YEAH, BUT I GET TO DO THIS THING!
October 26, 2015
October 26th, 2015
Bummed. It’s either the hypoglycemia or the hormonal shifts or the feeling that I totally screwed up or the fact that my expectations were not met.
Had class show #2 at The Stand tonight and I feel like Masha in Chekov’s The Three Sisters, like I’m in mourning for my life.
Yes, it’s completely dramatic, but this blog is about documenting the ins and outs of my journey, so I’m going to use it as an opportunity to whine as well–much like Masha staring out the window, whining about ducks going to Moscow.
My cats are here to love me.
Before I go into any detail or continue how ridiculous it is for me to be feeling low energy want to crawl under the covers why am I wasting my time on this, let’s jump to the end…after the goodbyes to the friends at the club, after the subway ride home on the L train with the teenage boys shouting out “IT’S SHOWTIME!” swinging from the poles and gyrating like gleeful strippers, still in their t-shirts, jeans and high-tops.
I got off the train, went to Two Boots for a slice of V is for Vegan and classic Pepperoni (Pepperoni always makes me feel cared for). When I walked into the store, one of the guys who worked there, maybe a dishwasher…shot be this big toothy grin, and then the gal behind the counter asked me if I knew that the Pepperoni wasn’t Vegan. I laughed and said that I was aware that Pepperoni wasn’t Vegan, and we shared a silly smile (I may have even made a zany sound effect). I’m not sure why this made the maudlin cloud fall away. Maybe it’s because I realized that I’m more than my ruminations and expectations. I get to do this thing called comedy. I get to stand up in front of people and make them laugh. I get to fill myself with words and voices, rants and opinions. I have a job that’s ok, I have health insurance and a 401K, AND I have the luxury of being in clubs (if I so desire), every night of the week. No children to feed (well, two cats), no one to answer to.
I GET TO DO THIS THING. WOW!
Earlier this week, I’d gotten over the fact that if I went to a mic and nobody laughed, it was ok because it was “just a rehearsal.” It was just about getting the words past my teeth.
And it turned out that this week, I DID make a lot of people laugh. Especially last night at the ladies mic–hell, the host was bowing down to me (WHAT?!!!)
So what happened to all of that tonight?
I guess I had expectations. I guess I wanted to make the ‘perfect’ tape. I guess I wanted to at least get the light. I think I totally sped through my set. Yesterday it went five minutes, and I’d left quite a bit out. I thought I’d at least go 7 minutes but that didn’t happen. What?
And another thing….yes, it was a sort of “graduation” performance, but I didn’t need to hear it from the host or from the other “real” comics. The last show, I could easily get by with the illusion that I was a real comic (whatever that means).